mao the freak

beijing has more ugly people than i've ever seen anywhere else in the world, and that includes both clayton road and frankston mall shopping precincts.

one man i sat next to on the metro the other day was so ugly that i actually started dry retching (and i'm saying this in all seriousness). his hideous little moustache framed the ugliest face i've ever seen. it evoked another ugly public transport memory:

one day in the winter of 1997, on the bus on the way to school, Jeremy Park sneezed big chunks of phlegm all over the window. he let the gobs slowly trickle down whilst i sat next to him heaving violently. it's one memory that has been burned into my mind as if by a white-hot cattle prod, and is the standard by which i compare all disgusting things. mr moustache met the standard.

i might mention now that the chinese character for 'home' is a picture of a pig under a roof. i think that speaks volumes, don't you?

to be fair, the young people of beijing are hot hot hot, and it just goes to show that a bit of sorbolene and attention to detail is all it takes to convert any old jeremy into a jemima.

this is all neither here nor there.

after one week of getting no sleep whatsoever and yawning my way through all my chinese classes, i finally worked out that i was still jetlagged. why? because in my bomb-shelter of a hostel, four floors underground, there is NO day, NO night, NO temperature change, NO NOTHING to indicate a progression of time or some sort of diurnal rhythm. every morning my brain would fry when it tried to work out what the hell i was doing getting up at 2am (cairo time) for chinese class. i eventually had to delay my classes (which i should have done in the first place anyway), and everyone was happy :)

tomorrow is my last day at the little school next to the forbidden city. i alternate between states of exultation and tearful frustration at my progress, or mainly lack thereof, in chinese. at times i have snippets of conversation that seem almost native and i feel a real buzz, and then i turn around and can't even remember how to say goodbye. that sort of thing. i'm enrolling in a korean-student focussed school as of next week for two final weeks in beijing, and then i'm heading to HK to fix my visa situation.

i've also moved out of the bomb-shelter. i'm writing this from an apartment near the korean school in wudaokou, where my friend edward is putting me up for about 10 days. i feel awfully grateful, but the situation is not perfect, so watch this space.

the weekend was pretty crazy, and i met a really lovely 25 year old dutch boy with whom i got on really well - unfeasibly well. we spent a good deal of time together, and when i excitedly wrote him an email the following day (with stars in my eyes) wondering when he was next available, i got the old 'i'd like to focus on my work, let's be friends' response. damn! damn damn damn! why can't the nice ones like me too!? i didn't think i was too put out, but when i realised that i'd eaten 12 snickers bars in 48 hours (at 50c a pop, who's blaming me?) i felt that the comfort food spoke for itself.

i'm going on a date with a brazilian news presenter tomorrow which promises to be fun, so this space needs to be watched too ;)

most of the dating i have been doing is friendly dating - meeting people just to know someone, and practicing my chinese. the next couple of weeks i really don't want to see anyone else, i just want to study hard and look forward to my exciting travels through the rest of china.

so what have i seen so far?

last saturday, during a snow-storm, i went and saw the forbidden city. you get these really cool audio guides that start whenever you come near a place of interest, and have an LED map on the back that shows you where you've been, where you haven't, and which way to go. the only bad thing was that they're automatic: i met a really cool german chick there, but my audio guide started and stopped whenever we were trying to have a conversation, so we had to just let each other go. those who have taken photos of me might appreciate the photo above-left, where a poor young girl tried to get in 'all of the gate, but make sure you get my feet in the picture too' :)

the city itself was beautiful during the snow-storm, but it was a bit barer than i thought it would be. in terms of ancient-ness and grand-ness, it didn't compare to egypt, so it was the peacefulness of the place that stood out for me.

the following day i went to the temple of heaven, a large complex of buildings dedicated to the worship of the supernatural (the largest in the world in fact), set in a beautifully manicured parkland area. if you look at the photo of me on the left, standing on the 'bridge' with my arms outstretched (with the hall of prayer for good harvests in the background), you'll see that there are 5 main paths. the thin central path made of white stone, and two paths on either side. in ancient times, it was forbidden for anyone - including the emperor - to step on the central path, as it was reserved specifically for god to move between the two main temples. these days, every man and his dog (before it's eaten!) walks along the path.

that's one thing i really like about china. there's no huffing and puffing about history - the facts are presented as they're known, and all historical sites are open to everyone, without needing to pay too much. it's really for the people - you get a sense of that - and the people are proud of it. it's great. admittedly, recent history is constantly revised, but that's another story.

during the ming and qing dynasties, before cutting animals' throats, they used to beat them on the head with wooden sticks until they passed out. as they needed quite a few carcasses at the temple of heaven for sacrificial purposes, they had a department for this singular purpose known as 'the department for hitting animals'.

as i was wandering through the back streets of beijing the other day, i came upon a crowd of people surrounding two policeman beating up a man, with another man lying unconscious on the ground nearby. as the westerner, i was quickly ushered away, but couldn't help wondering: 'do these policeman belong to the department for hitting people?'

on wednesday morning, i attended what must be the biggest freakshow on earth: mao's mausoleum. my goodness! in the middle of tian'anmen square, there's a massive building which houses the remains of the initially inspired (but later criminally insecure) leader mao zedong. you have to leave bags and cameras somewhere else, and then you're herded into a long queue which walks briskly into the entrance hall, past the corpse and then out again, all within about 5 minutes. it was amazingly efficient. i reckon i did it with about 1000 other people at least, so my estimate is that over 10,000 people go through an hour, though i'd love to see the real stats on that one (if real stats could ever be obtained in this country). the actualy viewing is free, which is wonderful, as i don't think it's right to deny the people access to the leader they've been brainwashed to worship. the cult of mao is still going strong, though i think it's become a little bit pokey and kitsch.

before the entrance, there is a place where you can buy some yellow flowers to put in front of the stone statue of mao in the entrance hall. i went pretty early on in the morning, but there were already HUNDREDS of flowers there. mao's corpse is inside a sealed glass (bulletproof) coffin, covered with a chinese flag with only his ugly, shrivelled little face showing. there are two guards standing by the coffin, and then there's more bullet-proof glass, behind which all the mourners (gawkers?) pass. i had to hold back the urge to laugh out loud at the sheer freakiness of the whole affair, and feel that having his carcass on display like that is surely less respectful to him than having him cremated (which he desired). maybe in true chinese spirit, he's now the property of the people he once ruled, and this is what they want, so to hell with what he wanted.

every night mao's body is lowered into a fridge next to his wax replica. whether we see the wax replica or the real body on display is a bit unclear, but it doesn't really matter does it? i believe i saw mao, so i saw mao. let's chant it together: "i saw mao! i saw mao!"

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i've received heaps of feedback telling me that the short entries were no good and to go back to the long entries, which is exactly what i've done. usually i try to put pictures relevant to the text with my entries, but this one was a bit scattered because almost all of my photos are from the forbidden city and temple of heaven. sorry if you got confused! i'd love to get more feedback about what you want to hear, what you want to see, what the blog looks like etc (because i can write it but not view it), but i'd especially like to hear from you all to see how you're going - please email me!

Winter in China, Spring in Beijing

there is a chinese phrase to express a particularly disorienting state of happiness:

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' i was so happy i didn't know which way was north'

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i am in beijing, and let me take this opportunity to wish you all a happy international women's day! hooray! i am proud of all the women in my life, and it is my pleasure and honour to know you - it really is. after the horrors of female absence in egypt, it's wonderful to be back in a country where women hold up half the sky.

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in response to your enquiries - no my blog hasn't been singled out! all blogs are banned in china, because someone might express an opinion in one, and independent thought is strictly forbidden. you can write and post and whatever (like what i'm doing now) but you just can't read them.

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so: i'm living at a youth hostel 4 floors below ground level just off wangfujing, the famous shopping district in central beijing. the showers are communal, so i spend a few minutes every morning in a dark steamy room with other young men getting wet while we stare at each other's dicks (sound familiar?). the toilets go hard at work on my gag reflex, but it's the cheapest place in town, and is adequate for my needs.

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i enrolled myself in a 2 week one-on-one chinese course at a private language school in the worker's cultural palace - a building between the gate of heavenly peace (the one with a picture of mao's big fat head on it) and the forbidden city. the price reflects the location, but i'm worth it, and as mum always says: 'penize budou, and mi nebudem' ('money will be, and we will not be' - a great philosophical justification for spending heinous amounts of money on oneself).

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on monday night (after a date with a cute chinese/english lawyer), a combination of jet-lag, an uncomfortable bed, bounce-back from a stilnox i'd taken the night before and the man in the next room snoring at 500dB conspired to keep me awake until 3am. i kept paddling the wall with a rubber slipper and screaming 'shut the fuck up!' in as many languages as i could think of, but after 5 minutes of silence the pneumatic drill would start again. in the morning, bleary-eyed, i asked to change rooms. i told them who was causing the noise, and was informed that the culprit had checked out that day.

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only last night did the noise start again, and i found that it was actually the guy across the hall. another couple from a nearby room and i started banging on the walls and had the guy moved to another room this morning. again i didn't sleep until 3am, and was left pondering who the poor bastard was that i had been wrongfully keeping awake the night before...

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patience is not one of ondrej's virtues. i have unrealistic expectations of my ability to learn, and despite being exhausted, i'm frustrated with my lack of progress in class. it turns out that after two days of study, i am unable to translate ancient chinese manuscripts into modern street mandarin whilst spinning on my left eyebrow during a spontaneous public performance of chinese acrobatics. with my balls on fire. it's not at all how i imagined it would be. oh well. patience, bondy!

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i've been hitting the streets in a big way which is great. a couple of days ago, after eating steamed dumplings (50c a massive bowl!) in a shack made of 5 tin sheets propped against each other in a side alley, i had my first experience of a true chinese public toilet. i walked in and there were 4 holes in the ground, 3 of which were covered by men squatting and shitting openly, staring at each other's dicks and arses with expressionless faces. my first instinct was to take out my camera, my second to run, my third and final to hold my breath and take a piss into the abyss (with everyone staring at my dick).

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last night i grabbed my travel clippers, went to the communal washroom, and gave myself the hottest haircut this side of the great wall. it looked so good that i almost had to touch myself right there and then, 4 floors below ground level. i had a quick shower, then headed out for a bite.

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on the street, i met a girl called 'spring'. we got chatting, and ended up in a westerner-catering chinese tea-house, where we drank expensive west lake dragon tea in a special little room with sliding wooden doors and lots of chinese scroll art for authenticity. it was like being on the set of 'farewell my concubine', and it actually took me a few moments to decide whether or not it was a fuckery. it wasn't. spring and i chatted for hours, half english and half chinese (it was excellent practice for both of us), interrupted at regular intervals by the female staff who kept bursting in on a variety of pretexts to tell me how big and beautiful my nose was, and how handsome i was. after my haircut, i bloody well knew it. spring grinned victoriously every time this happened.

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ok, fine. modesty is not one of ondrej's virtues either, but we all already knew that, didn't we?

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hours later, we left the teahouse and i told spring that i was gay. she burst into tears right there on the street. i watched the 6 stages of grief flash through her in a matter of minutes - denial, anger, bargaining etc. the poor thing was so unhappy she didn't know which was was north!

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afterwards, i popped into a small eatery and ordered a mild chicken dish. after the first chop-stick full, i thought my head had exploded, and had to carefully check my skull to make sure there wasn't an exit wound. the exit wound occurred this morning when i had to dash out of class mid-lesson. food here is cheap cheap cheap and yum yum yum!

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on friday a group of us are going out to beijing's 'only' gay club. it's called 'destination' and is apparently a real meat market - i can't wait :) every other night this week i've got a hot date lined up with a different hot boy. why not? i'm in beijing for god's sake! (and i'm so happy that i couldn't for the life of me tell you which way was north) :)

beijing bondy

hello everyone!

just wanted to say that the chinese goverment has seen fit to ban my blog, as i'm an obvious threat to their national security. i can still make posts, as this is on a different site, but i can't see what's written, and can't see any comments that have been made.

so until further notice, please don't post any comments! just email me instead.

thanks :)

paris to beijing

the plane was so old that at any given point it was a wonder it wasn't falling out of the sky.

during my stop-over in shanghai i did the biggest fart in the history of human kind since our diversion from the ape's genetic branch 6 million years ago. if there had been officials there, we could have seen a new entry in the guiness book of records next year: biggest fart, ondrej at shanghai international airport, 05/03/2006.

afterwards i felt like someone else. a man addressed me in french and said i had a very french face and i thanked him profusely.

as soon as i stepped out of the airport in beijing, all the arabic that i had forgotten in egypt came back to me as clear as day.

the scale of beijing is something else completely. i feel like a leggo-man walking around in a giant's land.

i am staying near wangfujing. i just ate four white frogs impaled on a skewer. when i bit into them they squirted their inside-juice all over my jeans. i was furious.

i'm suffering from a mixture of culture-shock and sleep deprivation. to bed bondy!

le secret

i popped into a little cinema on champs elysees last night and finally saw 'le secret de brokeback mountain' (i left australia before it opened and it certainly wasn't screening in egypt).

i left feeling devastated. i woke up this morning still feeling sick, and uplifted at the same time. it made my heart ache to be in love.

i am leaving paris in a few hours.

the most beautiful city in the world

i have received feedback from some of you saying that my blog entries are so long as to be unreadable. so i will try and keep them a bit shorter from now on.

the crunch of a light dusting of snow under my feet as i climb the steps to sacre coeur in montmatre, croissant in hand. a man playing the harp as i take in the view of what must be the most beautiful city in the world.

arriving in paris, i had the distinct feeling that i was coming home. i am at home. i love it here.

i haven't spoken english at all.

it's 5 degrees today.

i locked myself out of my room at 4am last night wearing only my socks and nothing else. it was like an episode of fawlty towers.

see you in beijing :)

goodbye egypt, hello ondrej

returning to cairo was wonderful. it was like coming full circle - completing the journey and finding out finally how all the parts of the story fit together. i turned up at my old hotel and they had big smiles on their faces and gave me my old room back. i wandered through the streets, stopping at stalls, bantering and picking out far too many things to eat. i could see how i'd adapted to life in this country and what i'd learnt.

and now the sun has set on my final day in egypt! i've got a plane to catch at 3am, so i'm just burning off my last hours. above is a picture of today's sun-set over the nile. i apologise for the atrocious quality, but it has meaning.

my last few days in alexandria were relatively uneventful - i ate, ate some more and then ate again. it was horrendous. i could barely get out the door of my hotel room when my time was up. one absolutely wonderful thing happened, however:

i missed my train to cairo (probably on account of all the icecream i was gorging myself on...) and i had to wait a couple of hours in the park for the next one. when i was there, two 15 year old girls came up to me and just started chatting, hoping to improve their english. they were laughing, punching each other when they got embarrassed, and one sat right next to me so that our legs and arms were touching. they leaned in so close that we were almost kissing.

this may not sound like the most brilliant thing in the world, but it was. in other parts of egypt, the muslim culture is so strict, that women are not even seen. you could walk around the streets all day and see only men.

the fact that these girls felt comfortable enough to approach a young male foreigner in a park (and by themselves!), was such a reward for me that it had me smiling for hours afterwards. alexandria was more liberated than any other place i'd been to - there were women with exposed ankles, women sitting together without men in coffee houses (unheard of elsewhere) and (my favourite) heaps of female students (that i could see) at the university. it made me feel warm inside.

i came back to cairo last night with the intention of having a lazy day before heading off.

i went down to 'islamic cairo' and wandered through the markets - tiny streets absolutely jam-packed full of people selling and buying anything you'd care to think about, and many things you wouldn't care to think about. one thing led to another, and before i knew it i was giving blood at a mobile red crescent blood donor station.

in australia you're not allowed to give blood if you're a filthy homosexual, so i haven't donated since i was in high school. they're not so picky over here. i was led into the back of a bus parked on a major intersection. i sat down on a black recliner, and after triple-checking that everything was sterile and 'single-use only' (i was paranoid), a woman came at me with a needle large enough to be an oil drill. it must have been a 2 gauge or something. she shoved it in and the blood poured out like niagra falls. had it been linked, it could have been used to power a small third world country's hydro-electric scheme for the day. naturally, i went into a vaso-vagal free-fall, and had a bus-load of egyptians pampering me no end. i was rewarded with a plastic watch and a bottle of calcium/vitamin D syrup for my efforts. most satisfactory :)

i suppose the end of this chapter requires some sort of retrospective general commentary.

there were times during the last month when i hated egypt so much i thought i would never come back - and even make it my mission to tell everyone how shit the place was. after leaving the (upper) nile valley region, i changed my mind about that, as sinai was wonderful, and alexandria and cairo have been great in their own ways too. and so it was only a week ago i stumbled upon a way to make a trip to luxor/aswan more enjoyable, and i think it's my most brilliant plan yet: i call it 'the super-soaker 2000 plan'.

does anyone remember the super-soaker 2000? a massive lime-green water pistol with purple water reservoir and pump-action air compressor so you can keep hosing down your victim long after they've learnt their lesson? it would be the perfect accessory for your trip to egypt's pharonic past, turn your voyage into a bag of laughs, and square the score once and for all! 'give me baksheesh': hose! 'come into my store for some fake papyrus': hose! 'where you from, where you from, where you from?': hose!!! you could run through the marketplace spraying people at random with your eyes filled with tears of joy! and to polish it all off, a special, separate little water-gun for the old ladies. this one's filled with lemon juice. and when one of them asks you for baksheesh for taking a picture of a fucking sand dune, you can squirt the old hag right in the eyes!

anyway, enough about that.

in certain respects, i've learnt far less and far more about islam and egypt than i might have thought i would. i'm not in the right sort of mind-set to give this topic the attention it deserves at this stage - and it does deserve a lot - so i'm going to leave it until next time, or until we meet if any of you are interested in discussing your opinions too (as many of you have been doing on email).

it's march already! i can feel my stomach churning at the thought of having to come back to australia in only 5 short months (oh no!) and i wonder where this last month went. i'm already looking back at my time in egypt with fondness, but there is really only one thing on my mind at the moment: china. i'm so excited i haven't been sleeping, and i'm almost climbing up the walls with anticipation of arriving in a few days' time!

for now it's time to get out of this internet cafe and have a final wander through the streets of this city and say a proper 'good bye cairo', 'good bye egypt'! (hello ondrej)

xxx