unedited berlin ramblings

it's been weeks since i last vlogged, and i've got a backlog of videos that i have neither the time nor motivation to post, and so i've decided that i simply won't post them. perhaps just one - the visit of mother-in-law and sister-in-law to berlin. can't tarnish my record with the franco-family (franken-family?) so early in the european piece when they're expecting something. so at some stage you too can expect a delayed vlog with the in-laws. (edit: i've now made a simple slide-show and back-dated it to the entry before this one if you're interested in seeing pics of nicole and chantal's visit to berlin...) making videos is surprisingly time-consuming, and i don't feel like i'm conveying what i actually feel. i'm in a different place right now, so i need to get back to writing.

it's a warm day here in berlin - and that's the way i like it. the trees that line all the streets - which species are they? - weep in the heat, leaving oily patches of tears around their trunks. you can feel the little tears hitting you as you ride down the street and it's...almost liberating. i thought that the oil was relatively benign until i got some in my eye and it went red. maybe i was rubbing it too much. anyway, i don't take off my sunnies now.

yesterday we went out to großer müggelsee - the biggest lake around berlin - and had a bit of a paddle about. we walked from the train station to the edge of a narrow part of the lake and then through a tunnel under the lake to the 'untouched' far bank, where a trail led through the woods. there were piles of rubbish everywhere - all around the rubbish bins, lining the paths, in the forest, in the water. i was shocked. i sort of expect mass dumping in third world countries, but in the capital of the EU's economic powerhouse? it made me think of a time in high school when fu jie - one of my friends from china - and i were talking about national parks in australia. in response to a comment i made about how well preserved they were, he told me about a magical nature reserve near guangzhou that was so highly prized for its natural beauty by the chinese that they considered it sacred. i remember him using the line 'people take only pictures, leave only footprints'. it sounded amazing. when i went there in 2006, 10 years after this conversation, i found that the place was a fucking dump. people left their footprints alright, trampled all over the plants. they also left plastic bags full of rubbish and bottles thrown deep into the forest. then i felt angry with fu jie. how could he compare that shit to what australia has got? how can people just dump rubbish into the forest? i wanted to collect some of the rubbish - both then in china and yesterday in germany - but then i'm always struck by the sisyphian nature of such a task and i think: fuck you. fuck all of you.

anyway, back at großser müggelsee there were these enormous swans that chased everyone out of the water and then guarded the lake-front for a while as if they were getting off on being the dominant species for a few minutes. g had impregnated me with the fear because he's previously been attacked by a swan, and on that occasion came off second best. but the sunshine dappling through the trees and the sound of water washing up against the shore was too much - the lake was calling to me - and so i managed to push through some trees on the bank and out into the water before the swans had a chance to destroy me. g overcame his fears and joined me in the water. they say it's the cleanest lake in berlin and it was wonderful splashing about in the sun with the little fish. i must say that i stunk like i'd just crawled out of a rubbish bin and had to have a shower on returning home and change all my clothes.

today we visited an old bunker built by hitler and friends to shelter ~ 1500 people during the war. in the end over 4000 people crammed themselves into it. it was unique in that it was built above ground and was quite an impressive structure. it later became a banana storage facility during the DDR era, then was the site of rave parties and underground fetish sex clubs in the 90s, and was finally bought by a millionaire who constructed a penthouse on top of its 5 stories and filled the bunker with his private art collection that he opens for private tours at the weekend. the combination of art and nazi bunker/fetish venue made for a wonderful 90 minutes of guided art tour. no photography inside unfortunately.

we had some pasta afterwards around the oranienburger/friedrichstraße corner and after our previous bad experience with the meaty risotto served by the man with the shit on his face we've struck that corner off our potential eating list and won't be trying any more of the 20 or so restaurants in the area. you shouldn't either if you come to berlin.

i'm no longer studying german. as of about a fortnight ago i stopped cold. i realised that learning a language is a mammoth task, and i'd prefer to be fluent in fewer languages rather than able to communicate in many. i'm enjoying my french more than ever, and i can feel the steady pull of czech, drawing me gently towards it as if i were on a small boat on a lake at night, surrounded by fog, and i'm being drawn to the shore. the sheer effort required to maintain a language is not something that i can afford to expend on a language that i won't be using in the future, so i've put german to one side. i can't cut the cord completely. i love it too much. maybe i'll pick it up again in the future, but it needs to be pushed away for the time being.

the other major things that have happened since the last vlog are our visit to copenhagen and g's ex boyfriend's visit to berlin. both had very wonderful and very terrible aspects to them, and i'm not sure that i am in the right headspace to revisit them on this blog. incidentally, the blue-eyed danish men were possibly the most beautiful humans i've ever had the pleasure to lay eyes on (and then brazenly keep my eyes on for as long as possible) in my life. the women were invisible: a common complaint in northern europe. mum: it's not just women over 60 that are invisible - northern european women off all ages and gay men over 40 are invisible too. or so g tells me.

we've been experiencing a lot of berlin, checking out the lakes and forests, walking along the river, going to the circus, the theatre, the opera, to underground music and dance productions, galleries, open air parties, everything. berlin is one fucking amazing place. i miss it already and we haven't even left yet. we should have left on monday but extended our stay a couple of weeks because we were too in love with berlin, and not in the right head space for tourism. we leave soon, and the time will be right.

i have often spoken of a point that i reach when i'm travelling where i finally feel 'free'. it usually takes me a couple of months until the weight of whatever i was previously doing just slips away and i find myself in a completely different mind set. i realised that i've arrived there just this last couple of days. i'm next to the open window with a weeping tree just outside and the sky is a cloudless ceramic blue and i could just float on up, right into that cloudless sky.