ich will's zärtlich!

as a child i considered adulthood to be a developmental end-point. the growing and learning and confusion of childhood would cease abruptly and a new state - almost deity-like - would take its place, where one knew one's role in the world, where everything made sense, and where there was no more learning, growing and confusion. perhaps there was no more child-like joy.

i stayed with my wonderful friend salva for 2 weeks in spain <3

my spanish husband ;) <3

salva's hometown of albaida

a few weeks ago i turned 32, and i cannot remember any point in my childhood at which i was learning so much, growing so much, so confused, and so full of joy and wonder as i am right now. you were wrong, little ondřej, adulthood is not so different. but it's better. there's no-one to hold you back - just a great big blue sky that you can sail through doing whatever you choose. and if you're lucky, there's someone you love to catch you when you come crashing, agonisingly, back down. 

g and i went to budapest for a few days of relaxation

men-only day at the rudas baths (damn!)
boys cover up with a little front-apron

red as a beet after 5 hours in the hot water!

i love budapest trams!

i've been in europe for 2 months now - mainly in berlin - and my main lesson has been that you can't have it all. i'm not talking about material goods - i'm talking about love. you can be completely honest with everyone around you, but at the end of the day, to love someone is an act of emotional violence: you rip open your chest and set fire to your heart and the hearts of those around you. there can be nothing quite as exquisite as the warmth you feel, and though it is always, always worth it to set fire to that little phoenix - it is a fire nonetheless, and oh how it burns. 

getting down at berghain

les fexes

there is another lesson, though, and that is: be burnt. open that chest even wider and let yourself be devoured by those flames. people need people. that is our weakness, and that is our strength. so keep going, fire-starter. 

g and i spent a few days on the baltic coast chilling out :)

baltic poppies

i've become addicted to the fine art of hand-standing

i'm ambivalent about coming back to australia next week. it's the end of an 18-month down-time that has been my life's greatest adventure, and also a time to say good-bye to my life's greatest love. but i feel that it's time to get back to work, step up, skill up, and dive into that new life. perhaps gather all of my energy (human, curious, sexual energy), and sublimate it to fuel my work instinct! i'm ready, and i'm excited.

i <3 <3 <3 you berlin!

i recently re-heard the fable of the tortoise and the hare. you know the one - the gifted hare is a braggart and snoozes too much during a race with the tortoise and ends up losing. upon hearing it this time, i was left with the impression that in our societies, particularly in australia, we over-value the tortoise. this appreciation of tortoise-like characteristics is a new opiate for the godless masses. here we are, all chipping away at that great sisyphean task of constructing 'a good life' like good little tortoises, but the finishing line keeps moving away from our little tortoise-feet, and we're never going to cross it. the joke's on us, tortoises. while we are plodding along all day (all week, all year), the hare is having the time of his life eating cabbage in the fields, playing with other hares, snoozing in the sun or gazing dreamily up at the clouds in the ceramic blue sky. that hare isn't losing the race because he is capricious and stupid. that hare understands that the rules governing the race are arbitrary and only as valuable as the collective investment made by its competitors. that hare has re-examined his own value system, and instead of repressing his desires when he finds them to be at odds with those of the tortoise (and all the other animals in the woods), he has the courage to disqualify these externally imposed rules and champion his own. he has the courage to accept that he simply doesn't give a shit about the race and that he has better things to do, and then has the courage to go out and do them.

so fuck that silly tortoise. everyone else is a tortoise, but you're not a tortoise: you are a hare. you are an amazing hare, sleek and beautiful. you are a fire-starter. you are the lucky one. you can do anything. get out there and go crazy! no-one can stop you now. run fast, you beautiful thing, run free!